On the technical side, the story needs some editing for repetition. For example, “I am now at a large university hospital. This is the hospital where my sister… was admitted four years ago.” The word “hospital” appears many times in a short passage. Also, the phrase “I see” and “I think” are used frequently. These are minor issues but they can be polished. Also, the transition from the hospital to the God world — the sentence “Losing my balance due to the suddenness, I collapsed to the ground. Everything… was a uniform black.” That works. But earlier, the God’s voice first appears as “Shall I grant your wish…?” on the stairs. That moment is cool. Then she talks to him in the black void. The void is a classic “between worlds” space. That’s fine. Overall, the structure is typical but functional. For a first chapter, it sets up the premise and makes us care about the protagonist. That’s the most important job.
The image of Long Yang walking with the ironwood pole and buckets is great. “The whole ensemble worth less than two copper coins.” The contrast between his poverty and his monstrous strength is fun. He doesn’t know he’s built like a War God; he just thinks he’s a strong water carrier. The dramatic irony is tasty.